The battle

Today I will write about my battle, about the challenges that I am facing now.

Just after starting the treatment, my battle was mostly physical. I felt a lot of physical discomfort during and because of the treatment. And I did what Dr. Lee asked me to do in terms of exercises and walking, without too much trouble. Now it has become the other way around. I don’t feel much physical discomfort anymore during the treatment, as I got used to the procedure. Actually, I have started to like it quite a bit. Also, I got used to the walking and the exercises, physically that is. However, it has become increasingly difficult for me to start a long walk. To be precise: I am afraid to start. The CD symptoms that I still have, are most pronounced during walking. And I have become afraid to be confronted with those symptoms. The reason for that is, that along with the symptoms, comes a voice that tells me that I will never be able to escape those symptoms, no matter what I try, that healing is not available to me. It’s the voice I am scared of.

Now I know that it’s not a rational thing. The voice is obviously wrong. I am seeing people actually getting healed in the clinic in front of my own eyes. I have been able to heal myself to a large extent already, all without Botox and medicine. I have already experienced moments of great improvement and freedom since I am here.

I also understand where the voice is coming from. Basically, it is the negative belief I have about myself, that says I am not worth healing. It’s cruel, but that is what is says. For those of you who are interested in understanding more about the background of this phenomenon, that is so typical for cervical dystonia, please read the new section Perspectives of this blog.

So every day I have to spend time and effort to tell this voice to beat it, to tell myself that I can make things happen, that I am worth it, that I can be grateful for all the good things that I already have in my life. I have also started meditating on it. It’s a constant struggle. The past two days I have been quite effective in this struggle, and have felt much better. It has become so clear to me that, once I really feel appreciation and love for myself, the symptoms melt away.

Other things are happening. My feet and ankles are quite swollen most of the time. The body symbolism behind this is that I still have issues being rigid, difficulties to flexibly walk through the path of life. So as a first step I am trying to change my walking style, with more hip and shoulder movement, so that my entire body is walking instead of only the legs, constantly supporting a rigid military posture.

Dr. Lee thinks that the swelling could also be an indication of detoxification. And he might be right.

Emotionally, some kind of detoxification is definitely ongoing. Almost every day, there are some strong emotions going through me, often very old ones. Last week, I was completely taken by surprise, re-experiencing an early childhood trauma. Immense grief went through me, almost consumed me, converting my body into a scintillating and jittering mass. Strong cramps took possession of my hands, bowing the fingers completely backward. At that moment I decided to step out of it, to take distance and pull myself together. Fortunately I have learned to do this a while ago. After 5 minutes or so, my fingers went back to normal. And I went to have lunch with Dr. Lee.

I have pain in places where I didn’t have pain before. Especially in my right knee (but that is because of the restaurants where I have to sit on the floor with my legs crossed). And Dr. Lee tells me that my health is obviously improving. The cupping therapy doesn’t leave any marks on my skin anymore. Also, my pulse diagnosis this week showed enormously improved organ functions (heart, pancreas, lungs, …) as compared to just one week ago. And what was more stunning, my blood pressure, which has always been way too low (a sign of retreating from life), this week had become completely normal!

As I am writing this, another wave of gratitude and poignancy rages through me. It’s as though the broken circuits in my system are gradually being switched back on, sometimes fully on, then only here, then only there, …, progressively putting me back to life.

He who is battling salutes you.

55 thoughts on “The battle

  1. My dear friend, the things you are going through. It sounds pretty tough, at the same time beautiful too. In a way that all things come together. You and I we both know and knew that it is your mental state responsible for triggering the CD symptoms. I am getting more and more convinced that lots of the malfunctions of the human body in general are being caused by the brain or better our subconsiousness. Like the psoriasis in my case for example. Nlp learned me that somewhere in the passed something happened to you. Your subcounsious has found a way to deal with that. It wants to protect you from experiencing the same pain ever again. At the same time the strategy it is using can be hurting and be harmful to your self, to your own body. One of the ways Paul Liekens ( a nlp adapt) tells us to deal with this, is as follows:
    Try to undertand that your subconsious is doing this to protect you and that you therefor should be thankful for it. Ask (and you may take this litteraly) your subcouncious to find an other way to do protect you. You should do this in a selfinducted state of mind (state of hypnose). If you can’t get into that state yourslf you could find help with it (a hypnotherapist).
    I know you’re having a hard time, because your innervoice is troubling you. Hopefully now you understand where it comes from and can you deal with it in a better lighter way. Keep faith my friend at all times!

    • Thanks a lot for your continued and warm support!!! It is good to know that the insights of NLP completely match with mine. To be more specific about the strategy that eventually causes malfunction: it has its purpose, but only for the short term. Normally, the survival/protection strategy should be cancelled after the traumatic event is over, but that doesn’t happen in human beings. They usually stay in the freeze-response state. (See section Perspectives of this blog.) There are several ways to deal with this, and I am trying to do a couple of them in parallel. I will write more about it soon. One of the options is hypnosis, indeed. However, I doubt that I will be able to find a good hypnotherapist here, and then one I can actually understand ;-) So I’ll have to use other methods. One of them is what you are suggesting: ask yourself to find other means for protection. And on Dr. Lee’s therapy in itself also establishes a lot, I am sure. Thanks again and keep in touch!

  2. WOW!!!! Thank you for sharing your battle. I can certainly relate!!

    We have that little voice because our subconscience mind knows we still have work to do, things to process, and let go, in order for a full healing.
    But of course we can heal, and we know that too, and we are worth it that is for sure!!
    like you I am experiencing old chidlhood traumas, well I am trying to remember them, since I have them buried away. They cause me much grief and sadness, yet I don’t know what to do with it. I seem to be unable to experience much emotion. That has been part of the problem I guess, not allowing myself to ever cry, always trying to be strong, but the strength turned out to be my weakness.
    I don’t know how to go through the emotions and then let them go. I know people that have been much more abused than myself, have much more anger and resentment, much more criticism, so why did I get the CD?
    Is it because I am unable to feel the emotion and let it go?
    I also feel like I am being punished for caring too much and this makes me sad. I felt too responsible for some people in my life, forgetting my own needs for theirs. I thought good people got rewarded, I did not do it for a reward, took life too seriously I guess, should have mastered the flow long ago.
    I think your healing is progressing well. We need to learn patience this is part of the lesson. Even after the structure is healed, we may have symptoms for sometime, it is so deep within us, doesn’t Dr. Lee say this?
    Healing the mind is so much more difficult than healing the body, how do we do it? I know it can be done, others have succeeded. We have been given this challenge for our own spiritual growth, not only in this life but for the life after, so I try to be great full for this opportunity to grow.

    • CCD I wanted to ask you after all of these treatments how does your jaw feel. You had said that it made sounds when you ate. How is it now?
      How do the muscles in your neck feel compared to when you first got treated?
      How is your c1 and c2, do you need adjustments everyday or have they been staying in place?

      • To be honest, the clicking is sometimes worse. It comes and goes. I need more time for a “final verdict”.
        The muscles in my neck are starting to feel different. The knots in my back have already disappeared, as I found out yesterday. And today, during my walk, the neck muscles were tense and relaxed in an alternating mode. 1 second tense, 1 second relaxed. When in relaxed mode, I basically felt free and could move head and neck as a healthy me.
        C1 and C2 get adjusted every time that I get a new YBA. (See “Another day at the clinic”). It makes sense. When a balance disturbance has occurred, the patient needs a new YBA for jaw alignment. And of course he/she needs to be put back into balance at all the other points: C1-C2 manipulations, pelvic balancing, cupping, CST.

      • PS: I just found out that my jaws click when I have no appliance in my mouth. As soon as I put the YBA in my mouth, the clicking is almost completely gone! I have no idea how this works, mechanically. The YBA isn’t that thick… I’ll check with Dr. Lee. This is remarkable!!!

    • Yes, your strength turned out to be your weakness. Same here… And yes, you got the CD because you weren’t able to let go. But never mind, the strength is still there. You just need to unfreeze in order to be able to feel your emotions again and to (finally) start processing them. And the good news is that you don’t even need to remember or revisit those traumas explicitly. Your body remembers and will tell you. I have started Somatic Experiencing (SE) some time ago. It allows to, step-by-step, release the stuck survival energy from your system in a safe and gradual way. Another therapy (which I would have preferred, but isn’t available in my country) that is very promising, is called Brain Spotting. It is a combination and enhancement of EMDR and SE. I will write about this in the near future. By the way, those therapies are recommended by Dr. Scaer, and he has seen people recover from dystonia by SE alone.
      Caring much is OK, but now you have to start caring for yourself, feeling responsible for yourself. Not for others. They are responsible for themselves (as long as they aren’t your children).
      As for having symptoms after being healed, it’s all in the definition. Dr. Lee’s definition of cure is: no more deviation in the jaw/spine. He says that most patients have zero symptoms when they are about 70% healed. From that moment, they still have deviations occasionally, and need to get more treatments until no deviation occurs anymore.
      Healing the body = healing the mind (since mind = body). You said this to me yourself, remember ;-) ? As you can see, it’s also happening to me. Dr. Lee is really helping my body to heal, and in parallel, all kinds of things on a deeper level are starting to come loose.
      Anyway, I will soon write more about healing. We’ve had Phenomena, Perspectives, and the next step is healing.
      I hope all this makes sense.

      • Thank you, yes it all makes sense, you are wise.
        You have done so much learning and healing in this short year of acquiring CD, it is very impressive!! You have systematically gone through the steps needed to heal, starting with the STRC program, learning the mental/emotional aspects behind the illness, and making the journey to Korea!! I guess it is the scientist in you!
        You write very well, and always know the right and kind thing to say in your reply’s. You are gifted and have greatness inside of yourself. I have no doubt in your healing abilities and that a cure is happening. And once we are healed we will become that much greater from the experience. There is no gain without pain!! that goes for our souls as well, not just our bodies.
        I am very enthusiastic to learn more about SE and the other modalities, and look forward to your further writings, I will be pursuing these things as well.

          • Is somatic experience something you can learn yourself, or do you need a SE practitioner to help you with it? I know you will be adding a “healing” section eventually so I won’t ask anymore questions about it.

          • No problem! It is preferred to have a SE therapist help you, for the sake of safety. But it can be done alone. Peter Levine (founder of SE) has written a wonderful self-help book including CD, with a step-by-step approach to heal your trauma. The title is (how surprising) ‘Healing Trauma’.

          • Thank you, it’s nice to know we can help ourselves with his book and cd, since seeing a therapist would cost a fortune.
            New pictures are nice, especially the flowers ( I think they are poppies?).
            It seemed to me the last couple of days the neurons in your brain were flickering on and off like a light bulb, allowing your muscles to be free, a very good sign!

          • Glad you like the photos. Yes, poppies indeed. Yes, something like a light bulb going on an off. Not today though…

  3. Completly unaware how to communicate with you, where to communicate with you, in what language I should or could communicate, I will try this writing space on your blog. Not with comments but to give you my respect for the path you’re walking on in good faith of you’re own healing power with some help. In a time where most of us think we have lost that capacity to cure ourselves. Feel helpless but prefer to put that responsibility in the hands of cold science and medical take-overs. Take care.

    • Thanks for your message my friend! I do miss our sessions, but I am being well taken care of here. Yesterday I noticed that there are no knots in my back anymore… My regards to everyone at home, and stay in touch!

  4. hello again,

    checked torticollis threats all around the world. see 2 kinds of behaviour, taking botox and let it be or fight against it natural (especially high intelligent people, maybe thats a reason..:() . recognized that there are many people with traumata issue or others which love the details to search something in detail. no answer need – but please check yourself – body and mind are together? something happened like a crash, drugs or mental down (it appears that body come down, too).
    I am pretty sure both of it (call it 80:20) body and mind are the key but the main reason should be a body issue. fact is, muscle´s a in a disharmony. this is all the fact we have. for my opionion something is wrong with a special part of our body (must not be everytime the same, still found out out but should be a atlas issue or deeper). it´s normal getting in trouble with mind if body has an issue. different issues when body or mind get issued. our destiny is CD when something is wrong. this is an big issue as no one knows the truth, but it does not help to accept this. take it and let your body and mind find the personal way, there is no other. i would be appreaciate discussing this easily by phone (found out thst cd patients are not very often relax enuogh to talk about thid, but for sure thats ok!)

    cheers and rock on i a smooth way..

    i am enjoying my own cd, its for free and if i look down the street seems that i am very special ;-)

    • That is a refreshing sound! CD FOR FREE! I’ll remember that.
      You are so right about the two kinds of behaviour. To be honest, I mostly see the first category…
      Yes, the atlas is surely involved, but so are C1 and C2, and the rest of the spine, and the pelvis, and above all the jaw. The entire structure has collapsed in CD, as Dr. Lee states. As a consequence, the body-brain communication starts to malfunction => symptoms, e.g., CD.
      Regarding mind and body, even in the western part of the world, we are becoming more and more aware that the two cannot be separated. Body = mind.
      This is also emphasized by neurologist Dr. Robert Scaer. He further states that cervical dystonia is a perpetuated orienting reflex, that has not been completed during a traumatic event, and therefore gets stored in procedural memory. Please read the sections Phenomena and Perspectives of this website and check out the documents in the Documents section. To me, CD is explained now. I understand what it means. Of course not everyone is the same and certain aspects to it will vary from person to person, but the rough picture is bound to be the same for all of us.
      I would be happy to get more comments from you when you have the time!

  5. I see what you mean about the negative voice – we’ve all been there. We just need to trust the doctor or the program we are in and remind about the success stories of cured/recovered people. We also need to trust our body’s intrinsic ability to heal. As for your feet I think your body need more time to adjust and heal.
    What you are working on your mind (positive thinking, meditation, etc.) is very impressive because it seems working so well to you (with your effort), but that is what I’m kind of struggling for. My CD symptoms react too much on outside events which irritate me like someone smoking near me or neighbors slamming the door. Before I try to practice forgiveness, my neck has already reacted – my body reacts before my thought. Your story about the childhood trauma and your control of the event are amazing.
    Yes, walking is the most challenging thing for CD. I read a book about posture a while ago that walking is the best exercise but only when do it correctly, which many people (even not CD) don’t. Also, the AT emphasizes that the “free neck” is the key for all the movement – so as far as there is tension (or rigidness) in the neck, it’s hard (if at all possible) to make natural movement or correct use of body – so this is our challenging goal.
    Sorry I still didn’t get a change to read your Perspectives section (but I promise I will). I finally found time to start on the STRC program – still reading half way through the manual. Outside working hours, I needed a lot of rest for recovering from Artane poisoning for a past month and now probably completely healed from it. As I have gained stamina from the recovery and worked on my posture, my CD condition is getting better (rating 3 when I was sick to 6 now) and I got energy to work on STRC exercises, although I now struggling with fight-back.
    Thank you for sharing your struggle. Hang in there. You are doing great! Sending you prayers with respect.

    • It’s so pleasant to get feedback from people who know what I’m going through. Thanks! And thanks for reminding me of the intrinsic ability of the body to heal itself. It provides another ‘tool’ to just let the healing happen without too much thinking. Oh, I could do with some less thinking. Have been living in my head for most of my life…
      Regarding the forgiveness you are talking about: forgiveness only works if you have first expressed your anger. We with CD have a lot of anger. It needs to be understood and expressed before you’re able to really forgive. I’m still trying to figure out good ways to access my anger and release it with harm to none. If you read the sections Phenomena and Perspectives, you’ll understand more.
      Yes, walking remains a great challenge. But I won’t walk away from it. Even if I did ;-)
      Good that you feel that you completely recovered from the Artane now! And good luck with getting better all the time, starting with STRC. Hang in there. I am sending you my positive vibes as well!

    • Dolphin,
      I am very impressed with the fact that you can work while having CD and Artane poisoning, you are a strong individual!
      I had to abandon my work back in September, I guess because it was a very physical job and my body could no longer do it as the CD symptoms availed themselves. I thought these CD symptoms were work related, I thought, and my therapists thought that I hurt my muscles from the bad posturing and heavy lifting while performing pedicures. So I wasted a lot of time and money thinking and hoping it was just a work related injury.
      I do not take any drugs and have never done botox, I guess I am very anti drug. But I am lucky so far I have no pain just miserable discomfort.
      I will be starting the STRC program soon and it will be nice to progress with you!

      • Sunflowersprout, Thanks, I wish I could just focus on CD rehabilitation and keep reading at home all day, but I just can’t afford that. I’m with you that I spent my time for a few years believing this symptom is just related to my posture rather than disorder. But it probably true that your habitual use of the body while working contributed in part triggering the CD, as I did the same by sitting front of the computer for long hours for many years. I guess I was afraid to face the fact that this condition may be neurological- related until the condition got much worse a half year ago when I took a new job – it made myself disappointed since it was not my dream job after I worked very hard on it. Working while having CD is embarrassing and frustrating, but also odd things happened. For example, because of CD, my enthusiastic personality was somewhat hidden and I look like rather a modest person, which made me more adjustable to the conservative corporate culture. Also, commuting with CD can somewhat get used to it by accepting my conditions (not easy though) and telling myself that this doesn’t degrade my personality and ability no matter what other people think. The good news is that CD doesn’t aggravate the cognitive ability and we still have complete limbs. You’ll enjoy the STRC program. You’ll be amazed the mental effect of having a upright posture – it will certainly lift your mind. Keep posted your progress!

        • Hi Dolphin,
          which were the sings of your Artane poisening? 10 years ago my doctor gave me Artane, I bought it, but first refused it. several years later I decided to try. One evening I took 5mg. I thought I would die, my heartrate fell below 50 (my normal HR is close to 90), my breath was cold, I couldn’t move; ass I was alone at home with my little childrens I was really very very scared. Morning after I was really surprised to awake normally. I threw Artane away.
          Several years I met a woman who told me that a doctor gave her a miracle drug, she took it for 18 months, than stoppes an no signe of TS I was very excited, then she told me that it was Artane! Grrrrr, that was a kind of worry to me, I want to try, I don’t want, I want, I don’t want…. So I tried another approach, I took 1mg, muscle relaxion was Ok, cognitiv reactions not quiet ass well; 2 mg muscle relaxion is very good, but cognitiv signs are : I had problems to take decisions, I forgot everything, I not always found the right words; that are very embarrising side effects when you work as a doctor. It was to me nearly the same feeling as after a bottle of Chardonnay. So I stopped again Artane. I just take sometimes 2mg Artane the night when I am too contracted to fall asleep. It works for nearly 6 hours. What was your experience?
          (P.S. my english mistakes are not due to Artane ;))) )
          good evening

          • Hi Amelia,
            Wow, taking Artane 5 mg at first is too much and dangerous! My doctor and a pharmacy told me to start from 1 mg and then increase the dose gradually every 3 days or so. I think 5 mg (15 mg/day ) is the maximum you can take at the end. I gradually increased to 4 mg but didn’t feel the efficacy so I took 2 mg most of the time. I took this for 3 weeks with 20-60% improvement of the symptoms but also with all kind of side effects (blurred vision, hoarse voice, drowsiness, dry mouth, tremor on hands, decreased appetite and taste, trouble swallowing, and the list goes on). Finally, I got nausea and couldn’t eat anything and get up for a week – it was a hell I never want to go over again! I agree that it affects cognitive ability – I got decreased concentration while reading, and yes it seems this medicine responds very well for some people without much side effect. But for any medication, the efficacy will wear off over the years and there are no permanent medication including Botox. I took Artane because I had to carry on my work life, but in hindsight it was the most unhealthy times in my life. Now that I am detoxified and I feel very healthy despite the CD symptoms. The odd thing is that if I didn’t have the Artane poisoning, I might not find this fabulous blog and the STRC program I’m working on now. I leaned to work by myself towards the recovery instead of totally depend on drugs or the doctor. I would suggest you listen to your body how you feel!

  6. I am following your blogg with great interest. Thank you for sharing your experiences and thoughts, It is so great to hear that there are more people in the world suffering from CD who do not want to take Botox-injections. You were talking about how you walk and how you were going to try to change your way of walking. Do you know what “Nordic walking” is? It might help you to move your shoulders and arms more. It helps me some.
    Wish you all the best!

    • Nice to get comments from Sweden as well! Yes, I know what Nordic walking is, and I think I am doing (or at least trying to do) the exact same thing – except for the walking stick, which I don’t have. How does it help you? What is the specific feature of Nordic walking that you find beneficiary?
      Could you tell a bit more about yourself? What is your history? How are you getting along without Botox? And did you read the sections Phenomena and Perspectives on this blog?
      Hoping to hear from you again. Regards from Cheonan!

      • Comments from Sweden again;
        Well you see, in Nordic walking the sticks make all the difference. I have had to think about why it is beneficiary – and I think it becomes sort of a sensory trick, when you have to lift the stick and then when it hits the ground. There is a bounce that gives you the chance to change the angel of your head. Yes, I have read the sections Phenomena and Perspectives and I recognize parts of what you are referring to. Perhaps the rather aggressive walking can help to get some of your anger out of the system – just a thought. You asked about my history – I had a kidney problem and had a small operation, which unabled me to leave the hospital bed for two days. I am a teacher and sat in bed correcting exams. When getting out of bed my head turned to the right and the CD was a fact. At first I was struck to the ground, but after a few months I decided that I did not want to be reduced to being someone with a strange illness, so I went back to work. It took a while before I found my tricks to make life easier. This was some 15 years ago. In the beginning I took Botox, but I didn’t feel that it helped much. A few years ago I felt I had a lot of pain and started taking Botox injections again, but after a year or so, I became really ill in connection to the shots. I threw up for two days and this happend twice so for me it’s no doubt about the connection, even though the neurologist did not agree. I am finding new interesting ways of getting along and I have not given up on getting better. About personality features – yes, I have light blue eyes and essential tremor runs in the family. Looking forward to reading your next report. Kind regards

        • Thanks a lot for your feedback! I understand what you are saying about the sticks. I may buy a couple and see how it turns out for me.

          So, basically your CD was triggered by illness. The trigger often is stress or illness, or something else that overloads the system and catalyzes the CD symptoms. And that usually happens after a lifetime of accumulating trauma. Do you also recognize that part?

          Glad to hear that you can live without Botox and have found new interesting ways of getting along. I (and the other visitors of this blog) would be very interested to know more about those ways! When you have time, please let us know!

          • Hi again, You asked me if I recognized the part in the description of pre-CD reffered to as “a lifetime of accumulating trauma”. I think it is hard to answer that. I can relate to being a person thinking of others more than myself; working a lot; perhaps also a feeling of not being good enough. Physically I have always been a bit too rigid. I have thought about the expression I think you used somewhere “frozen stiff”.
            When I said new interesting ways – I ment they are new and interesting to me. It might not be new to you. I was thinking of different kinds of massage, the last I have tryed is involving sounds; I was thinking of dancing, that is on your own and the wilder the better; I was also thinking of singing. I have started to sing in a choir and sometimes when we are singing I just forget about my neck. Before we start to sing we warm up and doing so we shake our whole body – vigourosly – and that is really good. I have also gone to a yogaclass this spring. I also try to go bathing outdoors early in the morning and that is a challange here where the water is, at the moment only 13 degrees Celcius, then I stand with bare feet on the rock for a moment. Strange I guess, but it makes me feel rather good.
            I would really like to complement you on how you write this blogg. I is so well done with references to your sources and both correct and personal. Well, thank you again, you have given me a whole lot of new thoughts.Greetings from Sweden this Fridayafternoon which is cold but sunny.

          • Thanks for getting back to me! Yes, we feel frozen, in our emotions and in our bodies. This is the stuck survival energy, the freeze response. Eventually this makes us more vulnerable, also physically, which may cause trauma to the head and/or neck, which in turn triggers the symptoms.

            Massage sounds familiar indeed! I have been doing and receiving a LOT of massage the past year, and I am sure it helped me a great deal. How nice that you had the same good experience with dancing. I tried dancing (very wildly) one or two weeks ago, and it was liberating. I had no symptoms at all! And I had just started (classical) singing training prior to the onset of my symptoms. Then I stopped, but I think I till pick it up again sometime soon. For now I am using my voice in the Ah & Ohm meditations, every morning and evening. And I also started to practice Yoga Nidra.

            So it seems that your ways have a lot in common with mine! Not swimming at 13 degrees though! But I guess you Scandinavians have the right genes for being able to do that!

            I am glad to hear that you find this blog inspiring. I will be adding more information soon!

            My very best regards from Cheonan, where it is quite sunny and hot!

          • Hello Ann,
            did the doctors try to find an explication for the symptoms after the surgery, (less of oxygenation, a microthromboembolie ?).

            This afternoon I had a very positiv experience, I had to go for a walk in the middle of nowhere because I had to bring 50 cows home at the farm where I live. I thought about nordic walking because you spoke about it. I have no sticks, but I had an old wooden long stick for selfdefense (against cows ;) ). I first took the stick on the left side… no effect.. on the right side.. nothing… then I took it in front of me with both hands on it, 5cm distance at the height of my chest. Than I started walking and was pushing always two times at right than two times at the left (keeping both hands on it) a little bit as with paddels on a kayak ride. And that was a great experience, here on the wide wide green hills between all those cows. I was so euphoric that I forgot 3 of them and had to go back again, but no problemo.
            Singing is good I do it with children, and dancing is great, I bought DVDs from Zumba (a lot of different rythms, perhapse it is a little bit commercial but it really gives me good sensations, I feel free, I forget, and by the way it’s good for my hipps).
            Go for a swim at 13 degrees, that is really really a big challenge.
            greetings from Luxembourg.

          • Hi Amelia
            Thank you for your description of trying walking with a stick. I loved the picture of you walking over the hills, bringing the cows back. I saw scenes from Sound of Music!:) I’m so happy you found a good way of walking – I will sure try your way, when not among too many people. :) To your question about what the doctors said – no they did not see any connection between the start of CD and the operation. I was not anasthetized just sedated.
            I think Cheonan, that you will have to add a parameter to what is typical for persons with CD. From all that I have read in your blogg, “humor” should certainly be included. Walking over the hills, singing, dancing – we are sure good at finding ways to make life work. By the way – I would not say that I swim – it’s more like a quick dip, like a tea bag in i pot and it is 15 degrees now. All the best to you both! Like they say in “Wabi Sabi” catch the moments of Haiku.

          • You are the funniest of them all! Calling me Cheonan :-)

            It’s a good sign that the people visiting this blog have such a good sense of humor. I know for a fact that not all CDers are the same. People who consider themselves victims or martyrs, have no sense of humor whatsoever. (They are also welcome on this blog, but hopefully it inspires them to take responsibility for their own situation and to loosen up.)

            Best regards from Cheonan City!
            (And no, I didn’t change my name.)

          • Hi there,
            That was so funny!! I couldn’t stop laughing! Yes, blond! It doesn’t help that I work at the University. Have a good Midsummer in Cheonan! :)

  7. Hi, I have a couple questions: one, do you know of a way for someone in europe to purchase the teeth allignement apparatus? And, do you feel it´s use in isolation would be of benefit? Thank you for a wonderful blog, and all the best in your recovery!

    • Thank you for your feedback! As for your questions, no, I do not know anyone in Europe who can do the total body alignment through jaw alignment. That’s why I went to Korea myself (I also am from Europe). The alignment appliance (YBA) is made by Dr. Lee, and renewed every time a deviation occurs. Then the old one has served its purpose and is thrown away. Often within 1 or 2 hours. So you really need to be in South Korea to get this treatment. You cannot buy a YBA and use it, since it can only be used a limited amount of time. Also, it needs to be customized for your personal situation. On the other hand, Dr. Lee also has designed a standard appliance, which he calls TBA. This is also helpful, but to a much lesser degree. Dr. Lee says that the YBA is 100 times more effective than the TBA. Nevertheless, it could be an option for you to try wearing the TBA day and night for a long period of time. Aligning the jaw in isolation is helpful, but healing goes much faster if the entire spinal structure is being continually corrected (chiropractics, pelvic balancing, craneo sacral therapy, etc.). I hope this answers your questions. If you have further inquiries, please do not hesitate to ask. And if you want, please do share your personaly story and situation with us. Kind regards from Cheonan!

  8. Dear CCD,
    I am deeply touched by your last blogpost. Yes, it is so much harder to deal with those miserable thoughts of unworthiness then to deal with physical pain. And the CD doesn’t help . But you are such a brave, intelligent and sensitive man. I strongly believe you will succeed. This voyage took you far away from home and, because of that, it allows you take distance from everybody and everything that might interfere with this journey into your inner thoughts. Thank you for sharing it with us. Everyday your self confidence grows, I can feel that. Your perseverance will help you to keep up until you reach the point of healing and total acceptance of you.

    • Thank you very much for your compassion, and for your confidence! Being away so far from home makes this journey feel like some sort of pilgrimage indeed. And then with all the walking… It’s far from easy, but there are beautiful moments as well. It’s intense.
      Thanks again for your kind words.

  9. hi ccd,

    another question, do you have any experiences regarding drinking alcohol (e.g. on a daily basis) and CD. Do you mean there could be a connection?


    enjoy your cd, it´s for free and you have something to do the whole day, never boring ;-) just joking..

    • I stopped drinking alcohol when I got CD. Completely. The reason: STRC recommended me to alkalize myself as much as possible: no sugar, no white bread, no white paste, little meat, no alcohol, etc. When you have an alkaline diet, your body can start to detoxify, which is not possible when you have a typical Western diet, introducing lots of acidity in the body. I am sure it has helped me a lot in my recovery so far.

      Did you get my previous message to you?

      I agree with you it’s not boring!!!

  10. thanks ccd, I will try how it works with no alcohol the next time. your message? don´t think so..? please send again

    stay tuned

    • Alright!

      See my message to you in the thread of The battle. See a copy below.

      That is a refreshing sound! CD FOR FREE! I’ll remember that.
      You are so right about the two kinds of behaviour. To be honest, I mostly see the first category…
      Yes, the atlas is surely involved, but so are C1 and C2, and the rest of the spine, and the pelvis, and above all the jaw. The entire structure has collapsed in CD, as Dr. Lee states. As a consequence, the body-brain communication starts to malfunction => symptoms, e.g., CD.
      Regarding mind and body, even in the western part of the world, we are becoming more and more aware that the two cannot be separated. Body = mind.
      This is also emphasized by neurologist Dr. Robert Scaer. He further states that cervical dystonia is a perpetuated orienting reflex, that has not been completed during a traumatic event, and therefore gets stored in procedural memory. Please read the sections Phenomena and Perspectives of this website and check out the documents in the Documents section. To me, CD is explained now. I understand what it means. Of course not everyone is the same and certain aspects to it will vary from person to person, but the rough picture is bound to be the same for all of us.
      I would be happy to get more comments from you when you have the time!

  11. thanks ccd,

    currently I am checking how it will works after some weeks with a lot of physical sports (trying to get my body “straight”, no muscle disharmony) and no “drugs” like alcohol or cigarettes. I will let you know the progress if you like.

    I am with you, in hard times remember there are many others searching the ways to send away CD. It will be only a matter of time to find it out. I feel it is not my destiny living with CD my whole life, it only tells me making some things other as before. Tryin error..


    • Thanks a lot for your sympathy. I am like you: I feel that this is not a condition for the rest of my life. Yes, please let me and the visitors of this blog know how you progress. But be careful: just a few weeks is not enough! It took me about 5 months until my situation started to improve! And at first, my symptoms just got worse. So you have to hang in there and not give up. One more thing to keep in mind: cigarettes are very bad for the body, needless to say. When you smoke, you cannot recover. Take care, Tschüß!

      • thanks ccd, I will update you once I am thinking it makes sense sharing details. one question: any facts regarding your advise to stop smoking as there are a lot of CD´s who never took a cigarette anytime?

        stopping drinking alcohol (I will take zero just to check if it is getting better. it´s not so easy as a good glass of wine is nice.. – but no worries I stopped as I am not an alcoholic ;-) anyway, don´t drink can not be wrong for a time..
        and it makes sense as alcohol is connecting the brain and is able to damage or change it..

        next week I will go to a special physical clinic in germany for 3 weeks trying to get my body straight and the other part of my own therapy changing everything in my life which has “pissed of myself” for a long distance. it is a pleasure for me to kick it away. thanks for my own CD getting me realized those things.

        so CD now means for me: Changing destiny…it could be the key. I will keep you posted.

        cheers, stay strong and cool

        • I think you are definitely on the right track, trying to change your life so profoundly! Like you, I took my CD as an opportunity to start getting rid of things I don’t need. One of the things you need to get rid of, is toxicity. Unfortunately that means: no wine! And no cigarettes either. It’s not that they immediately change the brain, but they are strongly acidic. And that’s toxic. Check out more details on alkaline diet. And you have to understand that detoxification of the body also allows detoxification of the mind. Most people experience that. And anyway, body = mind.
          Final remark about cigarettes: STRC in USA says that they have never seen anyone recover from CD while smoking. It just doesn’t work. You’ll simply have to quit forever. But that will be easy once you realize how much damage it does to you.
          I wish you lots of luck straightening out your body and mind!

          • thank you,´s a little bit the truth..spoke to other resolved cd patients and they have all changed their life it should be a key..

  12. Dear CCD, I relate so much to your latest post. I too have developed great fear to perform activities that have increased my symptoms in the past. I try to talk myself out of this fear so that I don’t become even more withdrawn, but it is difficult. The freeze response is a new concept to me, but I intend to research it more because it seems to make a lot of sense with this type of disorder. I have a lot of reading to do, hard to find the time, but I know I have to make it a priority (for me and no one else!).

    I also relate to the anger. I am now certain it is no coincidence that my cd started a few months after my mother was diagnosed with terminal illness. She passed on from this world a few days ago and the anger I have been holding on to for the past two and a half years exploded. I wish I could say I let it go, but unfortunately I still feel much anger. The emotions are still very raw now, but at least I am more aware now and with time can move past them.

    I really want to thank you for creating this forum. I have had no one to talk to about this problem (or I should say I have not let myself talk to anyone) since it started and I can’t tell you how much this has helped. I have searched through other message boards, etc in the past, but have never found any that I could relate to as much (or that were as informative) and I would often get more depressed reading about the misery of others. You and the others who routinely post here do not hide from the realtiy, but are really positive about overcoming. So no matter how your journey goes, know that you have reached at least one other person with your light and have positively impacted my life. I am going to attempt to go on long “freedom walk” now as you say and see how it goes.

    • I am sorry to hear about your loss. And I am glad you started your recovery process. As for the anger, you’ll first have to find out exactly what you are angry about. And where you feel it in your body. Then you can start expressing it (writing it down, shouting when you are alone in your car, etc.), and then you can start forgiving (others and yourself). It will take time. Stay tuned!

    • Hello Carrie,

      I want to write you some words, because I feel very concerned . When you just lost somebody, especially after illness or also anyother way, than it is very normal that you feel sadeness, anger even desperated…. it is normal, it is allowed and you even have to feel it. If you try to hurry, the feelings will follow you in a hidden way and will break out later, and that is not good. I lost my brother (40 years old) november 2011 and that is what a psychologist told me; allow yourself to feel anger, sadeness ( shouting in the car is a very good way as ccd wrote) and just after that you can restarte. You are not alone!!!!!!

  13. I guess, if somebody is interested changing experiences with CD / TS, I would be appreciated to be contacted via skype: myfight_on_skype

    don´t hesitate to add me on skype


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