Today I will write about my battle, about the challenges that I am facing now.
Just after starting the treatment, my battle was mostly physical. I felt a lot of physical discomfort during and because of the treatment. And I did what Dr. Lee asked me to do in terms of exercises and walking, without too much trouble. Now it has become the other way around. I don’t feel much physical discomfort anymore during the treatment, as I got used to the procedure. Actually, I have started to like it quite a bit. Also, I got used to the walking and the exercises, physically that is. However, it has become increasingly difficult for me to start a long walk. To be precise: I am afraid to start. The CD symptoms that I still have, are most pronounced during walking. And I have become afraid to be confronted with those symptoms. The reason for that is, that along with the symptoms, comes a voice that tells me that I will never be able to escape those symptoms, no matter what I try, that healing is not available to me. It’s the voice I am scared of.
Now I know that it’s not a rational thing. The voice is obviously wrong. I am seeing people actually getting healed in the clinic in front of my own eyes. I have been able to heal myself to a large extent already, all without Botox and medicine. I have already experienced moments of great improvement and freedom since I am here.
I also understand where the voice is coming from. Basically, it is the negative belief I have about myself, that says I am not worth healing. It’s cruel, but that is what is says. For those of you who are interested in understanding more about the background of this phenomenon, that is so typical for cervical dystonia, please read the new section Perspectives of this blog.
So every day I have to spend time and effort to tell this voice to beat it, to tell myself that I can make things happen, that I am worth it, that I can be grateful for all the good things that I already have in my life. I have also started meditating on it. It’s a constant struggle. The past two days I have been quite effective in this struggle, and have felt much better. It has become so clear to me that, once I really feel appreciation and love for myself, the symptoms melt away.
Other things are happening. My feet and ankles are quite swollen most of the time. The body symbolism behind this is that I still have issues being rigid, difficulties to flexibly walk through the path of life. So as a first step I am trying to change my walking style, with more hip and shoulder movement, so that my entire body is walking instead of only the legs, constantly supporting a rigid military posture.
Dr. Lee thinks that the swelling could also be an indication of detoxification. And he might be right.
Emotionally, some kind of detoxification is definitely ongoing. Almost every day, there are some strong emotions going through me, often very old ones. Last week, I was completely taken by surprise, re-experiencing an early childhood trauma. Immense grief went through me, almost consumed me, converting my body into a scintillating and jittering mass. Strong cramps took possession of my hands, bowing the fingers completely backward. At that moment I decided to step out of it, to take distance and pull myself together. Fortunately I have learned to do this a while ago. After 5 minutes or so, my fingers went back to normal. And I went to have lunch with Dr. Lee.
I have pain in places where I didn’t have pain before. Especially in my right knee (but that is because of the restaurants where I have to sit on the floor with my legs crossed). And Dr. Lee tells me that my health is obviously improving. The cupping therapy doesn’t leave any marks on my skin anymore. Also, my pulse diagnosis this week showed enormously improved organ functions (heart, pancreas, lungs, …) as compared to just one week ago. And what was more stunning, my blood pressure, which has always been way too low (a sign of retreating from life), this week had become completely normal!
As I am writing this, another wave of gratitude and poignancy rages through me. It’s as though the broken circuits in my system are gradually being switched back on, sometimes fully on, then only here, then only there, …, progressively putting me back to life.
He who is battling salutes you.